Working with Shame in EMDR: 12 Clinical Tips for When Shame Gets Stuck

Shame is something most EMDR therapists will encounter, but it can be surprisingly difficult to shift.

A client may cognitively know that something wasn't their fault. They may be able to tell you exactly what they should believe. They may even have processed the memory and reduced the disturbance significantly.

And yet, underneath it all, there can remain this deeply felt sense of:

There is something wrong with me.

Fear often says “something bad is going to happen.”

Shame is different.

Shame says “there is something bad about me.”

And I think that difference really matters when we're working with EMDR.

Shame can become woven through the way somebody understands themselves, particularly when it has developed in the context of attachment, abuse, neglect, humiliation, bullying or repeated experiences of being made to feel different or unacceptable.

It also doesn't always respond particularly well to being told, however kindly, “But it wasn't your fault.”

So, when shame seems to be getting in the way of processing, these are some of the things I think about.

1. Don't assume shame is the target - find out what the shame is protecting

Sometimes shame is the primary emotion. But sometimes it is sitting over something else.

Fear.

Grief.

Humiliation.

Helplessness.

Anger.

Rejection.

One question I find useful is:

“If the shame wasn't there, what might you feel instead?”

That can take the processing somewhere completely different.

Sometimes shame has actually been doing a job. It may have been safer to conclude “there is something wrong with me” than to recognise something frightening about the people you depended upon.

So rather than immediately trying to get rid of the shame, get curious about what is underneath it.

2. Listen carefully to the negative cognition

Shame often gives us some very powerful negative cognitions:

I'm bad.

I'm disgusting.

I'm defective.

There's something wrong with me.

I'm unlovable.

I don't belong.

I should have known.

I should have stopped it.

I should have fought back.

Try not to tidy these up too quickly.

Sometimes we are so keen to formulate a neat EMDR target that we move away from the client's actual language.

Their words often tell us where the network lives.

3. Look for the earliest learning, not necessarily the biggest trauma

When we think about trauma, it can be tempting to look for the biggest or most obviously traumatic event.

But shame is often developmental and relational.

It may have developed through hundreds of apparently small experiences: criticism, ridicule, exclusion, being compared with siblings, having emotions dismissed, being punished for needing something, being repeatedly misunderstood or being made to feel that some part of you was unacceptable.

Rather than only asking:

“When did you first feel ashamed?”

I might ask:

“When did you first learn that about yourself?”

That question can take you somewhere very different.

4. Remember that shame often developed in relationship – so your relationship matters

This is particularly important.

A client may be telling you something that they believe makes them disgusting, unacceptable or fundamentally different from everybody else.

And while they are telling you, they may also be watching you.

Your face.

Your body language.

The tiny changes in your expression.

Whether you pull away.

Whether you look shocked.

Whether you still seem to see them in exactly the same way.

That doesn't mean we need to become artificially reassuring.

It means offering warmth without pity, acceptance without rescuing and curiosity without judgement.

For somebody whose shame developed relationally, the experience of being known and not rejected can itself be important.

5. Be cautious with premature reassurance

This is one I see a lot.

A client says:

“It was my fault.”

And our immediate instinct is:

“But it wasn't your fault!”

That may be completely factually accurate.

But therapeutically, it may achieve very little.

If the client's nervous system genuinely believed that already, we probably wouldn't be having the conversation.

Rather than arguing with the belief, I want to understand it.

What makes it feel like your fault?

What would it mean if it wasn't your fault?

What stops you from believing that now?

Process first.

Let the adaptive information become theirs, rather than something we are trying to persuade them to accept.

6. Separate responsibility from hindsight

This is particularly important when we're working with abuse, neglect, coercion, traumatic relationships and experiences in childhood.

Adult hindsight can be brutal.

The adult client looks back and thinks:

Why didn't I leave?

Why didn't I tell someone?

Why did I go back?

Why didn't I fight?

Why didn't I realise what was happening?

One useful interweave can be:

“What did you actually know then, with the age, power, information and choices you had at the time – rather than what you know now?”

Because the 45-year-old looking back may have choices that the 8-year-old, 15-year-old or frightened 25-year-old simply didn't have.

7. Watch for anger that couldn't safely go outwards

Sometimes shame is anger turned towards the self.

Particularly when directing anger towards the person who caused the harm wasn't safe.

That might have been a parent, caregiver, partner, teacher or somebody else the person depended upon.

Blaming myself can sometimes feel psychologically safer than recognising:

You should not have done that to me.

When processing becomes stuck around responsibility, useful interweaves might include:

“Who actually had the responsibility here?”

or:

“Where does that responsibility belong?”

Sometimes allowing appropriate anger to emerge changes the shame considerably.

8. Use perspective carefully

Perspective-taking can be enormously helpful, particularly when somebody applies completely different rules to themselves than they would to anybody else.

You might ask:

“If an eight-year-old told you this had happened to them, what would you think about that child?”

And then:

“What makes the rules different for you?”

I'm not using that question to persuade the client that they're wrong.

I'm interested in the discrepancy.

Because somewhere between the compassion they can offer another person and the judgement they apply to themselves, there may be some very important information.

9. Expect shame to interfere with the EMDR itself

This is easily missed.

A client can become ashamed that:

they're crying.

they've dissociated.

they can't access the memory.

their mind has gone blank.

the SUD isn't coming down.

they can't identify a body sensation.

they don't have an image.

they're taking too long.

they're “doing EMDR wrong”.

And suddenly we're no longer simply processing the original event.

The shame network is happening live in the room.

Rather than seeing this as resistance or assuming that EMDR isn't working, get curious.

What does it mean to them that they can't do whatever they think they are supposed to be doing?

Because sometimes that becomes the doorway into the network.

10. Don't forget the body

Shame often has a very recognisable physiology.

Head down.

Eyes averted.

Shoulders rounded.

The urge to shrink.

Heat in the face.

Nausea.

Heaviness in the chest.

A desire to disappear.

Pay attention to what the body is trying to do.

There may be an interrupted protective response sitting alongside the shame.

Turning away.

Pushing somebody back.

Standing up.

Moving away.

Finding distance.

Lifting the head.

Sometimes allowing the body to notice or gently explore that impulse can shift something that talking hasn't.

11. Don't stop at processing the past

We can successfully process a historical memory and still find shame controlling someone's life in the present.

So where does shame still show up?

Speaking in meetings?

Relationships?

Intimacy?

Sex?

Asking for help?

Making mistakes?

Setting boundaries?

Being seen?

Saying no?

Receiving praise?

Taking up space?

The future template can be incredibly important here.

I want the client to experience themselves entering those situations without automatically needing to disappear, appease, apologise or become perfect.

12. Don't make “getting rid of shame” the goal

Not all shame is pathological.

Shame, like other emotions, has a function.

What I'm much more interested in is toxic shame – when “I did something I regret” or “something happened to me” becomes:

“This tells me something fundamentally bad about who I am.”

The goal isn't necessarily:

I never feel shame again.

It might be:

“I can feel shame without believing that the feeling is evidence about who I am.”

And that is a very different place to be.

One final question

When shame remains stuck despite apparently successful processing, one of my favourite questions is:

“What would it mean about you if you stopped blaming yourself?”

It's a deceptively simple question.

Because sometimes self-blame is doing far more than we initially realise.

Perhaps letting go of blame would mean acknowledging that somebody they loved failed them.

Perhaps it would mean recognising that they were powerless.

Perhaps it would allow anger that has never felt safe.

Perhaps it would challenge a belief about themselves that has organised their understanding of their life for decades.

And sometimes, when you ask that question, the real target finally appears.

Working with shame in EMDR isn't always about finding a clever interweave that makes it disappear.

Sometimes it is about slowing down enough to understand why the shame is there, what it has been protecting, where it was learned and what the person fears might happen if they finally let it go.